My thoughts for tonight...

I give up. 


Not as in, I'm going to straight up attempt suicide (I say attempt because most likely I'd take a bunch of my blood pressure medication and not actually die because my parents would notice something strange and take me to the E.R. where they will "fix it" and I'll be forced to take the heat of "attempting suicide") I'm giving up in a less serious but still equally distressing fashion. No sleeping (as much as I can bear, at least) and No eating (eventually this one will catch up to me and I'll eat because I'm not thinking about it, or I'll like.. pass out in the hall and the first question they'll ask is "have you had anything to eat today?", or Someone will force feed me.. somehow). Funny how I still care what everyone thinks of me. I'm not gonna give up in the sense as in never making myself look good.. I'm too insecure as it is to give that up.. You might ask.. Why no sleeping? Well.. I don't know about that completely because I already fall asleep in class with the minimal sleep I get now, but I don't feel I'll be able to sleep easily for some reason. Why no eating? Well that one's easy to answer. My mother keeps insisting I'm pregnant "big butt, big boobs, round belly"... yeah NOT the best thing to say to someone as insecure as I am.. If anyone I know reads this, they might not think me insecure.. but trust me.. I AM! just no one knows.. Seriously, If my own mom wants to believe that I'm pregnant, then I must be pretty big.. not like enormous, but too big for me... She doesn't help with her snide sarcasm (don't know which sometimes) all the time.. I just want to be beautiful.. Another note on people I know reading this.. You'll probably think it pretty pathetic to post this on the web.. as if I'm searching for attention. I'm not trust me, but I've got to get this out of my system somehow, and I don't think anyone will read it anyway.. yes, that means I'm talking to the blank internet.. but I don't care.. It's getting out of my system.. If anyone reads it, it's not like they can change what I've thought tonight, and what I've written.. Oh, and no, this isn't about my boyfriend (sorry fiance now..) he's the reason I don't think I'll be able to sleep because of key things he says to me.. He doesn't exactly know it, but it really hurts me.. He would actually really hate for me to do what I'm doing, but this isn't about him..  I leave off on this note... It might ruin me, but I'm determined to complete those two things. Nighty, Night.