I give up.
Not as in, I'm going to straight up attempt suicide (I say attempt because most likely I'd take a bunch of my blood pressure medication and not actually die because my parents would notice something strange and take me to the E.R. where they will "fix it" and I'll be forced to take the heat of "attempting suicide") I'm giving up in a less serious but still equally distressing fashion. No sleeping (as much as I can bear, at least) and No eating (eventually this one will catch up to me and I'll eat because I'm not thinking about it, or I'll like.. pass out in the hall and the first question they'll ask is "have you had anything to eat today?", or Someone will force feed me.. somehow). Funny how I still care what everyone thinks of me. I'm not gonna give up in the sense as in never making myself look good.. I'm too insecure as it is to give that up.. You might ask.. Why no sleeping? Well.. I don't know about that completely because I already fall asleep in class with the minimal sleep I get now, but I don't feel I'll be able to sleep easily for some reason. Why no eating? Well that one's easy to answer. My mother keeps insisting I'm pregnant "big butt, big boobs, round belly"... yeah NOT the best thing to say to someone as insecure as I am.. If anyone I know reads this, they might not think me insecure.. but trust me.. I AM! just no one knows.. Seriously, If my own mom wants to believe that I'm pregnant, then I must be pretty big.. not like enormous, but too big for me... She doesn't help with her snide sarcasm (don't know which sometimes) all the time.. I just want to be beautiful.. Another note on people I know reading this.. You'll probably think it pretty pathetic to post this on the web.. as if I'm searching for attention. I'm not trust me, but I've got to get this out of my system somehow, and I don't think anyone will read it anyway.. yes, that means I'm talking to the blank internet.. but I don't care.. It's getting out of my system.. If anyone reads it, it's not like they can change what I've thought tonight, and what I've written.. Oh, and no, this isn't about my boyfriend (sorry fiance now..) he's the reason I don't think I'll be able to sleep because of key things he says to me.. He doesn't exactly know it, but it really hurts me.. He would actually really hate for me to do what I'm doing, but this isn't about him.. I leave off on this note... It might ruin me, but I'm determined to complete those two things. Nighty, Night.
About Me
- Alyssa Cook
- αlγssα ίs тнє иαмє, lίvίиġ lίfє ίs мγ ġαмє. ί đoит lєт αиγoиє вяίиġ мє đoωи fяoм мγ cloυđ иίиє. ί đoит иєєđ αll тнαт ρoт тo ġєт нίġн oи lίfє. scнool ίs мγ socίαl иєтωoяӄ αs ωєll αs fαcєвooӄ, αиđ мγγєαявooӄ. ί lίӄє тo sтαγ ίи sнαρє, αиđ ί'м oи тнє ccнs тяαcӄ αиđ fєίlđ тєαм. иo, ί đoит яυи lol, ί тняoω тнє đίscυss, sнoтρυт, αиđ jαvєlίи. ίт's sυρєя fυи!ί αм αlso иoω α тίġєяєттє ίи тнє ccнs мαяcнίиġ тίġєя вαиđ! мγ sίsтєя ίs oиє of мγ вєsт fяίєиđs. ωє sнαяє єvєяγтнίиġ! oтнєя вєsт fяίєиđs of мίиє ίиclυđє ӄαίтlίи тнα×тoи αиđ sαvαииαн đяαρєя. ί'đ jυмρ ίи fяoит of α тяαίи foя тнєм! тнαт's αll ί cαи тнίиӄ of тo sнαяє αs of иoω, вυт fєєl fяєє тo мєssαġє мє ίf γoυ'яє đγίиġ тo ӄиoω мoяє. ί'll вє ġlαđ тo ωяίтє вαcӄ :)
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Monday, January 2, 2012
Dear Will Draper,
I want
you to know:
<3 I
love you. I love you more than I love anything or anyone else in the world.
<3
When you hang up on me, it cuts me deep.
<3 I
can’t take it when you’re mad at me.
<3 When you’re angry, for any reason, I just want to kiss you and make it all better, but I'm afraid I’ll get rejected.
<3 When you’re angry, for any reason, I just want to kiss you and make it all better, but I'm afraid I’ll get rejected.
<3
No matter how I picture my future, it wouldn't be my future if you weren't
included in it.
<3 I would be utterly lost and confused if we weren't together.
<3 You're the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
<3 You're the one I love most, and the one I cry over the most.
<3 Sometimes when you get angry I feel like it was all my fault, like I just wasn't being a good enough girlfriend.
<3 Sometimes I think," Maybe if I try harder, and love him more, he won’t be so angry."
<3 There are nights I contemplate riding this crazy roller coaster we're on, but I would rather you be angry with me to the point of my crying, than be with anyone else.
<3 I might not always show it, but I really love you.
<3 I would be utterly lost and confused if we weren't together.
<3 You're the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
<3 You're the one I love most, and the one I cry over the most.
<3 Sometimes when you get angry I feel like it was all my fault, like I just wasn't being a good enough girlfriend.
<3 Sometimes I think," Maybe if I try harder, and love him more, he won’t be so angry."
<3 There are nights I contemplate riding this crazy roller coaster we're on, but I would rather you be angry with me to the point of my crying, than be with anyone else.
<3 I might not always show it, but I really love you.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
New Year, New Me
New Year's Day is a day to decide who you want to be for the next 365 days. I have compiled a list of what I hope to achieve this year:
- Work on Handwriting
- Sympathize/ Empathize more
- Focus more on school work
- Be the best girlfriend you can be
- Over 100% is the only thing accepted
- New York trip success
- Graduate High School
- Get organized
- Exercise every day
- Read all assignments
- Obey parents all the time
- Don't space out
- Research house plans
- Save money
- Get a job
- Be a better friend
- Spend more time with best friends
- Don't stress/things could always be worse
A lot of my items are some that a lot of people wish to achieve over the next year. I don't know if I'll be completely perfect in achieving my goals, but I can always try.
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